I'm so fed up. Fed up with people, this place, my job(s). I'm just done. I'm spent. I don't have a clue where to go or what to do from here. I just hope I can catch a break soon...

I wish I knew how to handle this. I wish I knew what to say. I wish I felt like I knew how you feel about it. A big part of me is all about this and ready to move forward and be grown up and blah blah blah, but a small part is just like, "What the fuck are you doing!? RUN AWAY!" I'm just ready for something to make sense...

All we can do in life is fight; scratch and claw. We have two choices. We either listen to our doubters and live a life of regret and self-doubt or we use our doubters as motivation. The trick is to never get comfortable. Die fighting. Always use your haters and your elevators. Fight for what's right, what you believe in. Many good humans went to the grave without seeing the fruits of their labor, but they fought everyday.
One of these days, I will prove you wrong or die trying.


thanks for reading.

"I swore a long, long time ago I'd never put your name in a song. Turns out I was wrong. Jocelyn..."

I don't know why....

... I looked at your profile... all it did was make me cry. You were meant to be happy and I'm not. period. end of discussion. One of these days, they're gonna find me hanging by my fucking neck in my fucking closet.

"Just as light pours in the room, I saw it once, it disappeared, and so did you..."

I'm starting to go against everything I've ever believed I am. I'm starting to think the greatest day of my life will be the day my heart realizes what my head already does...

"So we were an accident. You'll always be my favorite one..."

The song about you will never be written. As long as this feeling lasts, and as long as I try, I'll never be able to put it into words. I feel that's always been my greatest flaw as a songwriter. I can never take the biggest, most devastating, influential moments in my life and turn them into songs. I write about little things that in grand scheme of things, mean little to nothing. So, no I'll probably never get rich or famous for my songwriting, and no, I'll probably never write a song about how you make me feel.




Thanks for reading.

My thought for the day/potential start of a new song:

"It's days like today that make me want to bury you up to your neck in my front yard and run you over with my lawn mower..."

"Then when it all goes to hell, will you be able to tell me 'sorry' with a straight face?"

What is it about me that causes nearly every encounter I have with other humans to turn out negatively? What ruins possible friendships? Why am I drawn to people that are not interested in getting to know me at all, that wish not to become my friend? Where do I have to go and what do I have to do to find interesting, fun people that think I'm interesting and fun? What gives? What the fuck!? Enough questions, I'm shutting off.


Thanks for reading... I guess.

"Cause we can't go back now..."

I think one of the most difficult parts of all this is the realization that we never fit together. Sure, we were good with each other and in some ways, I think, good for each other, but what does that amount too, really? Socially, we associate with completely different crowds and have completely different expectations of people. I see now that this one simple fact led to numerous disagreements, arguments, and misunderstandings. I guess it really is the little things...


Thanks for reading.

"You're the reason that I can't shake this..."

I'm torn. On one hand, I'm glad you're happy and know that me getting out of the way has at the very least something to do with it. That's why I got out of the way in the first place. On the other hand, it seems like you moved on really quickly while I'm still a little hung up on this. Sometimes when I can't keep myself from thinking about it, I feel like I can't believe anything you ever said to me, like it was a front. It doesn't make sense why you'd ever do such a thing, but nothing I fucking think seems to make any sense nowadays anyways.


Florida can't get here soon enough...
Thanks for reading.

"There is no love, just appetite..."

The things that have happened to me recently have opened my eyes. Wide. They've changed me, set me on a life path that I couldn't have dreamed of a year ago, and put things in my future that are incredibly exciting. With that said, the obstacles in the way have sort of left me stuck right where I am for a while, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just given me alot of time to think. Whether that is good or bad is really not up to me I suppose.
What is love? Where does it come from? Does it have a finite beginning and ending point? Who knows, really? I'm burnt out with the idea actually. Love is such a funny word. It translates to 8 different words in Arabic. It has too many meanings for just one word. I'll always believe in a brotherly love between all humans that can rise up and take out any foe. That love will never die in me, regardless of how much the general public wears on me. But this love that consists of two people who were set on the same path, this romantic love, I don't think I can believe in it nor fight for it any longer. Talking to a close friend about this recently, I realized that outside of my near-death car accident, every major catastrophic moment in my life has been a result of aforementioned 'love.' Emotional breakdown, depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies... call me emo, but it's the fucking truth. Well, I will no longer allow such false hopes and strong emotion get in the way of what's best for me. I'm not going to alter my life in any way just to get hurt. Just to watch someone move on and take off and leave me wondering if the plans made were ever a good idea in the first place. In a nutshell, I'm basically a lone wolf now. I refuse to ever believe that I can't do better on my own. I refuse to think that I need someone, but really isn't that what this love essentially is? A need? A longing? I will long no more.


"There is no love, just appetite, and its consequences keep you up at night. Well, appetite is lust at best, and it's up to us to figure out the rest."

Thanks for reading.

"Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year..."

So, I'm aware that it's been a few months since my last post. Let's get back up to speed: quit my job, left Boone, moved home, got old job back. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing. I want to make music more than anything. It's all I can think about when I ask myself, "What do you want to do with your life?" There are so few left. Everyone's either sold out, given up, or sort of overmatured and become so pretentious I can't stand to talk to them about music, much less play it with them. It's a difficult passion to have in present times.

In other news, I've finally realized that I am a completely unique person. My days of trying to be something or someone I'm not are pretty much put to rest. I don't always like who I am, but I definitely always love it. Sort of in a "love-hate relationship" sort of way... for lack of better terminology. I hate that saying.

I just feel like somthing's about to break. Maybe I'm about to find what makes me happy or maybe I'm about to give up and settle for something that I don't absolutely hate but don't really, truly love. Stay tuned to find out.



Thanks for reading.

"Vienna waits for You"

I reached a landmark the other day. Through all my musical ventures in life, I've never experienced the beauty and majesty of listening to music on vinyl LPs. A few days ago, I purchased my first turntable. I still need to invest in a nice set of speakers to accompany it, but once I do, my first vinyl LP listening experience will be Billy Joel's "The Stranger." I'm extremely excited. Hope everyone is doing well!

Thanks for reading.

Thought this was worth a post.

Aerosmith to settle lawsuit with Maui performance
AP, Apr 27, 2009 6:13 am PDT
Free tickets to see Aerosmith in Hawaii? Dream on, unless you happen to be one of 8,300 people left in the cold when the band canceled a sold-out concert in 2007.
Aerosmith has agreed to perform on Maui to settle a class-action lawsuit filed by fans who alleged the band pulled out of the show in favor of a larger concert in Chicago and a more lucrative private performance for Toyota dealers on Oahu.
The suit claimed the cancellation cost Maui ticket buyers between $500,000 and $3 million in travel costs, handling fees and other expenses.
"Everyone who bought a ticket to the original concert will receive a free ticket, and all out-of-pocket expenses will be reimbursed regardless of the amount," said Brandee Faria, an attorney representing the would-be concertgoers.
The date for the new Maui concert has not been set, but Faria said it will likely be in September or October, after Aerosmith wraps up its North America tour.
Aerosmith attorney Jay Handlin said the band was glad to reach the settlement.
"The band is about the music," Handlin said. "So they are glad to be able to resolve this in a way that really focuses on connecting or reconnecting the people of Hawaii with the band and its music."

"Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say..."

Bands you need to check out:
Bayside - an old favorite, but it never hurts to remind you.

Death in the Park - Hot Rod Circuit frontman Andy Jackson's new band. Very tasty.

Us - My friend Thomas's newest project. He is (and they are) very talented and has important things to say musically. So, LISTEN TO US!!!

As always, let me know what you're listening to these days. I'm always looking for fresh sounds to add to my library of noise!!

Thanks for reading!!

"Many times I wonder how much there is to know..."

Isn't it glorious when things work out? When loose ends come together, dreams come true, hard work pays off? When there's a light at the end of the tunnel? When you know the 'best that is yet to come' is here? When you want nothing more than what you've got?

"So cling to what you know, and never let go..."

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. Probably seems longer than it has been. Alot has happened/is happening.

As of Saturday morning at 5:38am, I'm sober. I told myself I'd do it and I did. I was a little shocked it came this soon, but I woke up, walked into the kitchen, opened the fridge, and poored it all out. Every drop. It's not easy, but it's what needs to be done.

My feelings about the future have shifted slightly from fear to excitement. Some new oppurtunities are coming about and some things are seeming much clearer than they have in a while. There is of course, still some fears, but they are ceasing little by little everyday. Hopefully this will continue.

That's all I really know to say. Alot going on upstairs, but most of it is still too jumbled up to put into words. More to come later.

Thanks for reading.

"I'm sure the view from Heaven beats the Hell out of mine here..."

I got a nosebleed in the shower yesterday. Seemingly forgettable occurence for most, but for me, everytime this happens, it's almost horrific.

Some background info: when I was growing up, for the first few years of elementary school before I transferred schools in 4th grade, my best friend was Sam Hudson. Sam and I spent most of our weekends hanging out and most of our school nights on the phone talking about all the things that were meaningful to two boys in the 3rd grade. After I moved schools, Sam and I grew apart. Sadly, he got mixed up in a lot of stuff that ended up leading to his demise. Sam was genuine. He never led you on to believe anything other than what was really going on. He was one Hell of a friend. Anytime I needed anything, and sometimes when I didn't, Sam and his beautiful family were there.
When we were in High School, Sam's dad, Mike, shot himself at the top of the stairs at their home. I was floored. Mike was Sam's hero. To my knowledge, until the day he died, Sam wore his dad's old dog tags. Sam used to show off Mike's purple heart with so much pride. He glowed when he talked about it. I cried when I saw it laying in Mike's coffin. The morning of that funeral, my nose bled in the shower.
About a year or two ago, I got even worse news: Sam tragically died in a car accident. He hit a tree. Alcohol was involved. Although we didn't keep in touch anymore, I knew Sam was crushed when Mike died. He was never the same. He fell deeper into oblivion. I'm not condoning anything Sam did, because it was wrong, but the poor kid never really had a fighting chance. His story is tragic. I couldn't make it to his funeral, partially because of work and partially because I didn't really think I could put myself through it. I'm getting choked up just typing about it. Sam's mother, Gay, is a saint. She's one of the most amazing people I've ever met. To this day, everytime I see her, she stops me, asks how I'm doing, listens intently to how I'm doing, and gives me a hug. She's an amazing woman and she's been through too much pain, but keeps on smiling.
The day after I found out about Sam, my nose bled in the shower.


Thanks for reading.

"You came along just like a song..."

This is just hilarious! enjoy!


WELLINGTON, New Zealand – It'll be Barry Manilow versus the mall rats. The New Zealand city of Christchurch hopes that putting the American crooner's smooth and gentle tones into the mix of music to be broadcast through the central mall district can pacify unruly teens who congregate there_ or at least convince them to go elsewhere.
"The intention is to change the environment in a positive way ... so nobody feels threatened or intimidated," Central City Business Association manager Paul Lonsdale told The Associated Press. "I did not say Barry Manilow is a weapon of mass destruction."
A group of several dozen young people regularly spread rubbish, spray graffiti, get intoxicated, use drugs, swear and intimidate patrons at the outdoor mall, he said.
The city council, police and local property owners covering 410 businesses agree that "nice, easy listening" music like Manilow's "Can't Smile Without You," "Mandy" and other hits might change the behavior of loitering teens.
But one 16-year-old told The Press newspaper that unfashionable music wouldn't deter them.
"We would just bring a stereo and play it louder," Emma Belcher said.
Lonsdale countered that the city would then hit them with anti-noise laws.