"Many times I wonder how much there is to know..."

Isn't it glorious when things work out? When loose ends come together, dreams come true, hard work pays off? When there's a light at the end of the tunnel? When you know the 'best that is yet to come' is here? When you want nothing more than what you've got?

"So cling to what you know, and never let go..."

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. Probably seems longer than it has been. Alot has happened/is happening.

As of Saturday morning at 5:38am, I'm sober. I told myself I'd do it and I did. I was a little shocked it came this soon, but I woke up, walked into the kitchen, opened the fridge, and poored it all out. Every drop. It's not easy, but it's what needs to be done.

My feelings about the future have shifted slightly from fear to excitement. Some new oppurtunities are coming about and some things are seeming much clearer than they have in a while. There is of course, still some fears, but they are ceasing little by little everyday. Hopefully this will continue.

That's all I really know to say. Alot going on upstairs, but most of it is still too jumbled up to put into words. More to come later.

Thanks for reading.

"I'm sure the view from Heaven beats the Hell out of mine here..."

I got a nosebleed in the shower yesterday. Seemingly forgettable occurence for most, but for me, everytime this happens, it's almost horrific.

Some background info: when I was growing up, for the first few years of elementary school before I transferred schools in 4th grade, my best friend was Sam Hudson. Sam and I spent most of our weekends hanging out and most of our school nights on the phone talking about all the things that were meaningful to two boys in the 3rd grade. After I moved schools, Sam and I grew apart. Sadly, he got mixed up in a lot of stuff that ended up leading to his demise. Sam was genuine. He never led you on to believe anything other than what was really going on. He was one Hell of a friend. Anytime I needed anything, and sometimes when I didn't, Sam and his beautiful family were there.
When we were in High School, Sam's dad, Mike, shot himself at the top of the stairs at their home. I was floored. Mike was Sam's hero. To my knowledge, until the day he died, Sam wore his dad's old dog tags. Sam used to show off Mike's purple heart with so much pride. He glowed when he talked about it. I cried when I saw it laying in Mike's coffin. The morning of that funeral, my nose bled in the shower.
About a year or two ago, I got even worse news: Sam tragically died in a car accident. He hit a tree. Alcohol was involved. Although we didn't keep in touch anymore, I knew Sam was crushed when Mike died. He was never the same. He fell deeper into oblivion. I'm not condoning anything Sam did, because it was wrong, but the poor kid never really had a fighting chance. His story is tragic. I couldn't make it to his funeral, partially because of work and partially because I didn't really think I could put myself through it. I'm getting choked up just typing about it. Sam's mother, Gay, is a saint. She's one of the most amazing people I've ever met. To this day, everytime I see her, she stops me, asks how I'm doing, listens intently to how I'm doing, and gives me a hug. She's an amazing woman and she's been through too much pain, but keeps on smiling.
The day after I found out about Sam, my nose bled in the shower.


Thanks for reading.

"You came along just like a song..."

This is just hilarious! enjoy!


WELLINGTON, New Zealand – It'll be Barry Manilow versus the mall rats. The New Zealand city of Christchurch hopes that putting the American crooner's smooth and gentle tones into the mix of music to be broadcast through the central mall district can pacify unruly teens who congregate there_ or at least convince them to go elsewhere.
"The intention is to change the environment in a positive way ... so nobody feels threatened or intimidated," Central City Business Association manager Paul Lonsdale told The Associated Press. "I did not say Barry Manilow is a weapon of mass destruction."
A group of several dozen young people regularly spread rubbish, spray graffiti, get intoxicated, use drugs, swear and intimidate patrons at the outdoor mall, he said.
The city council, police and local property owners covering 410 businesses agree that "nice, easy listening" music like Manilow's "Can't Smile Without You," "Mandy" and other hits might change the behavior of loitering teens.
But one 16-year-old told The Press newspaper that unfashionable music wouldn't deter them.
"We would just bring a stereo and play it louder," Emma Belcher said.
Lonsdale countered that the city would then hit them with anti-noise laws.

"I don't sleep, I dream."

So, in my dreams last night, I:

- watched my parents get divorced.
-got pulled over in Tennessee because they were looking for a murderer who apparently was from the same county as me and/or had a similar car. Atleast the cops bought me Chick fila to make up for it.
- told a girl I don't even really know in real life to get out of my house because she insulted my brother somehow. Then met her parents as she was leaving.

.. and that's just what I remember. weiiird night of sleep.

thanks for reading.

"My hope dangles on a string like slow spinning redemption..."

There is no greater feeling in this world than redemption... to suddenly rediscover self-love and self-worth... to remember why you love just being yourself, why you love waking up everyday and getting to live your life. Vindicated.



Thanks for reading.