I'm so fed up. Fed up with people, this place, my job(s). I'm just done. I'm spent. I don't have a clue where to go or what to do from here. I just hope I can catch a break soon...

I wish I knew how to handle this. I wish I knew what to say. I wish I felt like I knew how you feel about it. A big part of me is all about this and ready to move forward and be grown up and blah blah blah, but a small part is just like, "What the fuck are you doing!? RUN AWAY!" I'm just ready for something to make sense...

All we can do in life is fight; scratch and claw. We have two choices. We either listen to our doubters and live a life of regret and self-doubt or we use our doubters as motivation. The trick is to never get comfortable. Die fighting. Always use your haters and your elevators. Fight for what's right, what you believe in. Many good humans went to the grave without seeing the fruits of their labor, but they fought everyday.
One of these days, I will prove you wrong or die trying.


thanks for reading.

"I swore a long, long time ago I'd never put your name in a song. Turns out I was wrong. Jocelyn..."

I don't know why....

... I looked at your profile... all it did was make me cry. You were meant to be happy and I'm not. period. end of discussion. One of these days, they're gonna find me hanging by my fucking neck in my fucking closet.

"Just as light pours in the room, I saw it once, it disappeared, and so did you..."

I'm starting to go against everything I've ever believed I am. I'm starting to think the greatest day of my life will be the day my heart realizes what my head already does...

"So we were an accident. You'll always be my favorite one..."

The song about you will never be written. As long as this feeling lasts, and as long as I try, I'll never be able to put it into words. I feel that's always been my greatest flaw as a songwriter. I can never take the biggest, most devastating, influential moments in my life and turn them into songs. I write about little things that in grand scheme of things, mean little to nothing. So, no I'll probably never get rich or famous for my songwriting, and no, I'll probably never write a song about how you make me feel.




Thanks for reading.

My thought for the day/potential start of a new song:

"It's days like today that make me want to bury you up to your neck in my front yard and run you over with my lawn mower..."

"Then when it all goes to hell, will you be able to tell me 'sorry' with a straight face?"

What is it about me that causes nearly every encounter I have with other humans to turn out negatively? What ruins possible friendships? Why am I drawn to people that are not interested in getting to know me at all, that wish not to become my friend? Where do I have to go and what do I have to do to find interesting, fun people that think I'm interesting and fun? What gives? What the fuck!? Enough questions, I'm shutting off.


Thanks for reading... I guess.

"Cause we can't go back now..."

I think one of the most difficult parts of all this is the realization that we never fit together. Sure, we were good with each other and in some ways, I think, good for each other, but what does that amount too, really? Socially, we associate with completely different crowds and have completely different expectations of people. I see now that this one simple fact led to numerous disagreements, arguments, and misunderstandings. I guess it really is the little things...


Thanks for reading.

"You're the reason that I can't shake this..."

I'm torn. On one hand, I'm glad you're happy and know that me getting out of the way has at the very least something to do with it. That's why I got out of the way in the first place. On the other hand, it seems like you moved on really quickly while I'm still a little hung up on this. Sometimes when I can't keep myself from thinking about it, I feel like I can't believe anything you ever said to me, like it was a front. It doesn't make sense why you'd ever do such a thing, but nothing I fucking think seems to make any sense nowadays anyways.


Florida can't get here soon enough...
Thanks for reading.

"There is no love, just appetite..."

The things that have happened to me recently have opened my eyes. Wide. They've changed me, set me on a life path that I couldn't have dreamed of a year ago, and put things in my future that are incredibly exciting. With that said, the obstacles in the way have sort of left me stuck right where I am for a while, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just given me alot of time to think. Whether that is good or bad is really not up to me I suppose.
What is love? Where does it come from? Does it have a finite beginning and ending point? Who knows, really? I'm burnt out with the idea actually. Love is such a funny word. It translates to 8 different words in Arabic. It has too many meanings for just one word. I'll always believe in a brotherly love between all humans that can rise up and take out any foe. That love will never die in me, regardless of how much the general public wears on me. But this love that consists of two people who were set on the same path, this romantic love, I don't think I can believe in it nor fight for it any longer. Talking to a close friend about this recently, I realized that outside of my near-death car accident, every major catastrophic moment in my life has been a result of aforementioned 'love.' Emotional breakdown, depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies... call me emo, but it's the fucking truth. Well, I will no longer allow such false hopes and strong emotion get in the way of what's best for me. I'm not going to alter my life in any way just to get hurt. Just to watch someone move on and take off and leave me wondering if the plans made were ever a good idea in the first place. In a nutshell, I'm basically a lone wolf now. I refuse to ever believe that I can't do better on my own. I refuse to think that I need someone, but really isn't that what this love essentially is? A need? A longing? I will long no more.


"There is no love, just appetite, and its consequences keep you up at night. Well, appetite is lust at best, and it's up to us to figure out the rest."

Thanks for reading.