Vindicated

"... I am selfish. I am wrong. I am right. I swear I'm right; swear I knew it all along, and I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well. I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself..."

"I'm s-i-c-k of my meaningless life where c-h-a-n-c-e-s pass me by. This is r-e-a-l-i-t-y."

It figures that as soon as I get back from a lovely vacation, I feel like this again.

"And now I know how Joan of Arc felt as the flames rose to her Roman nose and her Walkman started to melt..."

For those who are not aware, I'm in Mississippi for a few days. I made the 10+ hour drive yesterday and will be here until Wednesday morning.

It's great to see Sara. It had been far too long. The weather here is gorgeous. Nothing like the blustery, cold Boone weather.

So far, the only eventful thing I've done is eaten at a local restaurant. It was DELICIOUS! I had a local brew, Abita's Purple Haze. I'd had it before, but there's nothing like drinking a local brew with very few miles on it. For dinner I had delicious crab meat wontons as an appetizer and zydeco chicken as my meal. It was delicious; one of the best dining experiences I've had overall really. Today we'll be heading to Ocean Springs, where her boyfriend lives, and more importantly, where the beach is! More updates to come!

Thanks for reading!

"Do I have to fall asleep with Roses in my Hands?"

I heard two songs today that hit home. I connected with them especially today because of the feelings I've had lately. The first was "Audrey, Start the Revolution" by Anberlin, and the second was "Dreaming With a Broken Heart" by John Mayer.

It's funny how music hits you. It hits you when you need it most. It gives you comfort when you feel like no one else in the world has every felt quite what you're feeling. It gives you strength; gives you wings. It makes the fact that life is completely impossible to comprehend a little bit more comprehendible.

This is why music was my first true love.

thanks for reading.

"I liked Reality better when it was a Dream"

I think too much. The more I think about things, the more fanatical I get with the scenarios and situations I make up in my head. It's ridiculous. I have absolutely no grounds for thinking these things. No evidence, no cause, no rationale or reason. It's stupid. It makes me worry. It makes me sick. It turns me into what I am right now, the past couple days. I don't like it and I want it gone. AAAHHH!!!!

"There is no love, just appetite, and its consequences keep you up at night..."

Last night after I finally built up the courage to come home and be alone, I wrote down all the things I wanted to say. They just seemed perfect at the time. I don't know if those are the things I'll say later today, so I'm saying them now, like this.

I doubted that you cared about me, and I don't know why. It's obvious you do. I guess it was just my own insecurities.
This is a good thing for both of us because we're not ready for this, but I hope this didn't ruin everything for good because if we ever are ready for this, it will be great. I think that was really the scary part.
I love you. I don't need you to say it back, I don't even need you to feel the same way. I just need to get it off my chest because it true and from the bottom of my heart.
I want to keep you close to my heart. I want to be there for you and vice versa. I need someone close to me to stay a constant in my life.
You mean alot to me. I want to trust you and know it's always okay to call you and never feel like I'm a bother or I'm extra stress.



Thanks for reading.

"Some people never will go crazy, what horrible lives they must lead.."

I just have to get this off of my chest.

I get it. I'm pathetic. I'm a fuck up. I've ruined every intimate relationship I've ever had with anyone, romantic or otherwise. I'm scared to death I'll do the same thing now. It makes me panic. It makes me do things I wouldn't normally do. Fear is a tough thing to fight, but I'm fighting.... tooth and nail, I'm fighting.

I want this, and I'm not about to let my brain get in the way of it. I'll be damned.

"We only do it for the scars and stories, not the fame."

(From Paste Magazine)

Six Reasons Why Fall Out Boy Does Not Suck as Much as You Think
By
Nick Marino on February 4, 2009 8:45 AM Permalink Comments (63)
In fact, they don't suck at all.
One of the most unfairly maligned bands in all the land, Fall Out Boy is despised for such sins as getting really popular and having a glammy showboat playing bass. At least one reviewer pouted that the band's addictive new album Folie a Deux, is too ambitious. Oh, please. Does anyone say that about Radiohead or Animal Collective, or any of the sanctified indie saints? Ambition is good. Ambition means you're trying. Ambition means you have ideas and want them to get a public airing (which is pretty much the essence of the creative impulse), so let's all take a deep breath and stop slapping around a band that's smarter and more fun than a lot of people are willing to admit.
Fall Out Boy deserves a break from the hateration for the following reasons:
1) Folie a Deux is outstanding. It has 13 songs, 10 of which are keepers. Two of the other three tracks (the late-album filler "W.A.M.S." and "West Coast Smoker") have interesting moments. The only song I really hate is the single, "I Don't Care," which says more about the state of the rock-singles market than it does about the state of this album. Top to bottom, it's loaded with smart, hooky anthems. If you, the rock 'n' roll fan, can't get behind "Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes," "Closers" or "20 Dollar Nose Bleed," something is wrong.

2) They have great taste in collaborators. Would Lil Wayne and Elvis Costello have agreed to guest on Folie a Deux if the band was so awful?
3) They're funny. They have a song called "Coffee's for Closers," a Glengarry Glen Ross reference that shouldn't be lost on the sanctimonious pop culture priests that worship David Mamet but think Pete Wentz is juvenile. Their new album cover features a picture of a boy in a bear suit carrying an actual bear on his back. Their video for "Thanks Fr Th Mmrs" allows chimpanzees to mercilessly mock the band, subtly sending up the idea that Fall Out Boy is so terrible, even a monkey can do better.
4) Bass-playing lyricist Wentz, whom we are supposed to hate because he's in love with lip-syncher Ashlee Simpson, is a charismatic guy, which is not as cool as being a sulky shoegazing tortured genius.
5) They're fair to their fans. When Folie a Deux came out, they made it available as a $3.99 download on their MySpace page. So much for major-label bands being slaves to their corporate masters. It's hard to think of Fall Out Boy as profiteering sellouts when they're selling their new album at a cut-rate price. (Yeah, they were probably selling it so cheap because that's what it's worth! Good one!)
6) They're an increasingly rare breed—that is, a massively popular rock band. Quick: Name three other American rock bands with members under 30 years old that can headline arenas Can't do it? Try naming two. How about one?

"I tried drinking nights away, but it just brought on longer days and blackouts."

Alcohol. It's like my tragic flaw. I gave up cigarettes without a fight. I gave up marijuana much the same. Why is there such an inner struggle when it comes to quitting drinking?

Earlier tonight, I went to a super bowl gathering with Jara. She had to drive us home, and honestly, I don't remember anything after we pulled in the parking lot. I came to at 1am. I missed the whole second half of the game and she was gone, of course.
I paniced. Like I had passed out and something monumental had happened in the meantime. Actually, typing this blog is part of the calming down process just so I can go to bed and sleep tonight. It's not good. It's not what I want.

One day, I'll wake up, open my fridge, and pour it all out.

Thanks for reading.